11:33_01.29.2007: on getting relevant

little sparks
jotted down and materialzed before my eyes
by my own hands
my mind watching
waiting in anticipation


i really love artists that contribute to the non-art world. Steve Kurtz, his work operates within a system outside of gallery space. in fact his work operates in a way that those its directed at arent even aware of its purpose. i feel as i take more and more steps closer toward abstract symbolic "meaningless" creations, my work becomes more and more exclusive so that only those in the little Abstract symbolic meangliness creation club will appreciate it.

and why the hell do i want to talk to them? so i can feel important?

what i really want to do is contribute. im an artist by the way my brain works, but that doesnt mean i cant add something to a world that in some ways disagrees with me. the question i then ask myself on a daily basis is why do i make the kind of art i make. subconscious manifestation of inexplicable thoughts and feelings. its true. ill be honest. my work is my feelings. and its difficult to take ownership over it because i simply put it together after its been built outside the realm of conscious thought. that simply leaves me, nathan at the hands of something else. if i was religious id say god makes me do it.

so then am I even an artist or the doer of an artists mind. i know not how to explain my work becuse no thought goes into it. i attempt to take on relevant issues. designing a piece about war, looks good but feels empty, contrived, forced. perhaps im not passionate about these things enough to back my work. but on the flip side i cant back my normal work either.

reading the NYT's i came upon an article talking about how processed foods are bad. and i laughed. its obvious that what we love is bad. and it pushes me further into a delusional belief that people do not care about the right thing. so why address this. Even Kurtz's work seems only effective to liberals who are already on his side.

SPIKE LEE: no one does the right thing. or maybe we cant. maybe they wont let us. after all we're just a bunch of cattle trying to do the right thing when we're constantly being pushed prodded and tazered toward that ramp.

what i feel most passionaltey about is my own view of the world. it is through my eyes that i see and it is the only view i have to gauges how others think. im simply trying to understand and relate to others with my work. my work seems obvious to me, almost literal translations of thoughts. but i seem to fall short, maybe intentionally, so that the connection is lost and the message becomes deeply encoded within the object. hidden even from me.

12:14_01.24.2007: "This is what you will be riding on"

this piece, Sleep Dream Repeat is an abstract digital film that is constructed similarly to a piece of music where elements string together not in necessarily the logical sense but in a rhythmic pattern.

the piece, somewhere around 8 to ten minutes flows through four main chapters with several elements existing within each chapter:


an environment
a character
a style (film, effect, lighting, color, etc.)
an action done by the character


SDR talks about the fears, insecurities and struggles of life that are constantly pushed past in every living moment. i take my view of the world, one where i see others and wonder what goes on in their heads. i wonder if we are all hiding our fear of the unfathomable understanding of existence from one another. and i wonder if we were all truly comfortable expressing ourselves would we all go insane. but mainly i wonder if, and how we are the same.

the piece of course does not direclty express these concerns in a translatable form but rather is filtered through subconscious thoughts sparked by raw emotion and random simuli.

the end result is a hodge podge of imagery inspired by thoughts that are too difficult and complex for me to truly unravel, let alone understand.

the goal then being, is to show how my mind attempts to unravel the ideas and opinions i have about being a human being.

2:02_01.24.2007: primary toggles engaged

story board is sketched out. inking and notes will take the weekend and then i will finally have something to show to my professors. i prefer that they see what im doing opposed to me talking around it.

3 chip is reserved. Tomorrow i suit up and shoot the first component. ive rigged up my bathroom to be a most suitable studio. miniature theater lights and a bed sheet hanging from the ceiling give my set the DIY craftiness that seems to follow my work where ever it, and i, go.

its a special day because tomorrow is the final day of my ten day fast. the character im playing is terribly emotional and i was hoping to be that way myself but im actually quite calm. this means that in my sereneness i will have to act emotionally unstable.

the quest continues.

2:08_01.20.2007: three of four balls rolling

three actors found. quite obvious now. there are three brothers, I and two more. one little and one big. little will be the Naked Mole Rat and Big will be the Musician. I will be the Clown.

every shot has now been mapped and shooting order is prepared. list of Props neeeding to be built and after effects is compiled. post production will take some time but if done by the book will go smoothly.

going to a costume shop today in Portland and the lumberyard.

report will wrap up later this evening.

Tawny out.

3:38_01.18.2007: production (SETS)

i have begun constructing the sets.

one is sketched out on a long piece of white paper dimensions 20"x9". Pencil lines were then went over with calligraphy pen from italy brought to me by loved one and sumi ink in small jelly jar from old job. scene looking good and will be a nice back drop for my little brother playing an angry naked mole rat. some details still necessary. shading with charcoal and possible objects such as signs, posters, etc.

second set being worked on is the inside of the television. very simple. all dark. a bright white end of a long dark tunnel. starting with sketch style, if not liked then miniature model hallway with room for camera. second part of this scene is the clown pounding on the television screen from the inside. he'll be at a distance and blurry but we'll have to get a screen for him.

the bricks will be purchased and constructed into a wall for the macro shots of the musicians scene. full set will be shot at an actual brick wall i have yet to locate. if anyone knows of a large blank brick wall, please tell me. compositing will occur post production to make the wall as high as the heavens.

the girls apartment scenes take place in my studio as does the elevator scene. if not in my studio then in an industrial elevator i have access to in portland.

2:28_01.15.2007: 1+1+1+1=1+1+1+1

Dips into the subconscious where logic and rationale stand on their heads.subconscious discoveries then dragged back to the conscious and construcetd into physical interpretations of inexplicable thought.

2:12_01.14.2007: statement of artist drafted

the events that string together all come from consciously and unconsciously constructed visions related to or not related to other subject matter. in that, some of the events and imagery included are symbolic and representational of something outsie the film. in that, some of the events and imagery are not directly symbolic nor representational of things outside the film and exist only within the film. of course that is my statement as artist: that my work contains things of value and things without purpose but that regardless, all elements included are necessary for the existence of the specific piece.

in this, the piece, Sleep Dream Repeat grew from small seperate works and is now formed into a somewhat bulky idea. now trimming, refining, contemplation and reflection will produce a concept that being of both abstract and symbolic nature will operate in a manner that is pleasing to the brain.

i believe in this, work can be made that functions even when 1+1 does not=2

2:05_01.14.2007: images not words

7:47_01.13.2007: Tracking this beast has been nearly impossible.

i keep opening my stetch book inorder to reflect on this piece or sketch out the entire concept or structure and all i end up doing is doodling. sure, little snippets of some rational construct but its as if the piece is not linear enough to record in some scientific fashion. what im trying to do is identify key themes prevolent throughout the entire work.

four characters.
four situations.
four aspects of the psyche according to carl jung.
is that coincidence? i was originally interested in that but i abandoned it for this SDR. but do my new characters embody the different aspects of self? yes, but am i forcing those connections? it is hard to tell.
the characters evolved individually in the fragments of earlier works that were abandoned or never allowed to come to fruition. what each of those earlier works evolved into was a series of short looping films which in the end were made linear and connected into dream sleep repeat. what those earlier loops consisted of was material which varied from metaphors to surreal "pointless" events. rat at the wall was the latter. wall however came about through the realisation of overcoming a problem, wall is the visual interpretation of feelings contained mentally. when the mental event happened, my mind simultaneously provided me with visions to explain my thoughts. this is where wall came from. my mental projector of explanation via symbolic. the darkness came about through, perhaps similar to wall but more consciously constructed. the content of darkness reflects the explanation of a feeling and is equally obvious. the setting and mood reflect her monologue accordingly. i will discuss later how this is signifacnt as a starting point for the narrative. the final segment resides closer to darkness in the areas illuminated in that it is a visual reflection of internal feeling and that its representation is obvious. clown deals with insecurities that exists inside myself. fear and sadness masked by a persona that is for the most part silly.

the four parts as individuals speak to eachother in one language, excpet rat on the wall. rat on the wall, while is a visual concept portraying a feeling, its feeling aswell as its message are hidden and much more abstract. rat on the wall stemmed from a loop where a rat came out of a hole smoked and then went inside. this piece in its linearity, became a narrative without reason. what is this piece talking about? is it good? does it really belong? does it matter that it doesnt serve purpose? are there really rules? all say yes, every decision must be "mine". chance falls or no chance falls. stool relies on impulse and intuition. DSR resides within thought.

4:51_01.13.2007: putting the sense back in nonsense.

Right now i have an idea. a story board inked out on foam core rectangles. twenty in total. maps and schematics with arcs, dips and pot holes. three of five actors, several shooting locations, and little understanding of what i am stepping out to create.

Synopsis of visual/audio experience:

A telescopic abstract narrative incorporating performance, sound and symbol with touches of commentary reflecting personal views on subjects incorporated

can also be descirbed as irrational logic, random, and arguably meaningless (quite unsure at this point) or a spread sheet of thoughts and ideas put into a pot and left to simmer over night. either way i am certain that if it works ,then, regardless of every angle and tangent and fragment of concept, design and quality, it works.

or even closer to the truth perhaps, intentionally designed as meaningless but with room for possible interpretation.

beyond that, i do believe there is reason for the decision to create a specific idea. it may be random, but it is important that it is not randomly random.

i think that there will be more to discuss once it takes form.